Derek Springer's Shameless Self-Promotion

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Derek Springer's Shameless Self-Promotion

Check out my DCF OLP Guitar Project - Now Sort Of Finished!

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"Inside My Head" Archive

Could this be the end of Derek Springer's Shameless Self-Promotion?!?

Why, yes... Yes it could.

See, the thing is, after over three years of working on this website, I've come to the conclusion that this is a LOT, and I really just don't have the time or the patience to spend hours at a time on this site. So I've decided that I'm probably going to shut this place down within the next month or so.

Fear not, though, gentle reader. I'm still going to be out here in cyberspace, offering up my opinions to anyone who is willing to sit long enough to read them. I can be found over at my blog, The DCF News, so feel free to swing on by and check it out. It's not as flashy as this place, but I like it. And it's a lot less hassle.

Anyway, for those of you who have been regular visitors, I want to thank all of you for dropping by and spending a few minutes with me.

And for those of you who happened by here by accident, I hope you weren't too traumatized.

All the best,
Derek
(DCF)

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Bloggin', bloggin', bloggin'...

All right, folks. Since I clearly don't expend enough energy to promote myself, I've decided to start a blog, which will basically be "Inside My Head", but all to itself. It's called The DCF News, and it can be viewed here.

This site, then, will be used primarily for promoting my bands, my writing, and my ridiculous ideas. The DCF News will be more news-oriented, although I'll still be a smart-ass who thinks he's being funny. And, most importantly, it will be updated more regularly.

So check it out, comment, and make sure you check back!

All the best,

Derek

(DCF)

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That's Right... I Did It...

I finished my NaNoNovel in time! With extra words! How cool is that?

All the best,

Derek

(DCF)

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HAPPY TURKEY DAY, EVERYONE!

Ah, Thanksgiving...

Once again, it's time for me to brave the elements and make my annual trip down to my brother's house for the Thanksgiving Holiday Weekend Fest-O-Rama. Four days of doing a whole bunch of not very much at all. Many video games will be played. Football will be watched. My sister-in-law's deadly throwing biscuits will be plentiful. Watery mashed potatos...well, let's hope not, shall we?

At any rate, as it's the "official" beginning of the holiday season, it's time for my 3rd Annual Rant About Why The Christmas Decorations Are Up So Early.

As with the past two years, this year's decorations seem to have started even earlier than the previous year. Well before the end of September, I could walk into any store in town and be accosted by no less than half an acre of plastic trees, inflatable Santas and snowmen, ornaments, shiny things and baubles that are supposed to signify the birth of Christ, I think, although I'm pretty sure that back in Jesus's time, there were no animated deer heads wearing Santa hats and screeching carols to frighten children who walked past.

And, like the previous years, this year seems to be following my prediction that, within the next decade or so, the Christmas stuff will be out in the stores so early that on December 26th they'll be pulling down the old ones in the morning to make room for the new ones going up that afternoon. Go ahead and laugh, but you just wait and see.

And let's talk about the assault on parents by the toy companies. I'm pretty sure that, while not illegal, there's something painfully immoral about showing toy commercials every fifteen minutes to make sure that our children harrass us constantly about wanting the next "Big Toy".

Of course, in all fairness, channels like QVC and the Home Shopping Network do the same thing for adults. How many times, while fighting insomnia, have you been flipping around with the remote and landed on an infomercial from excercise freak and caffeine junkie Tony Little on that weird "Walking-In-The-Air" contraption of his and thought to yourself, "Hey...that's pretty cool"? How many more have thought that and actually reached for the phone? I don't have the numbers, but it's clearly enough to let that spastic freak continue to get on TV and shout at all of us some more.

But getting back to my point...

Er... What was my point? Oh, wait. I've got it. Christmas.

So, finally, let me add that, as "Black Friday" (the busiest shopping day of the year) approaches, and we all put on our armor and battle gear to brave the weather and elderly ladies who might be out to get the last (insert the name of whatever qualifies as this year's Pokemon/Cabbage Patch Kid/whatever) left in the entire city, let's try to keep cool heads about us. Myself, I'll be doing most of my shopping online, because I hate crowds. (And because I'm not allowed in Toys 'R' Prohibitively Expensive anymore because I almost beat up an elderly woman when I was trying to get my oldest daughter a Cabbage Patch Kid some years ago. I'm not proud of my past, but there you go.)

And, most imortantly, have a great Thanksgiving.

All the best,

Derek

(DCF)

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The Danger of Boring Toys: The "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up" Edition

This week, W.A.T.C.H. (World Against Toys Causing Harm, and no, I'm not making it up) released its annual "Top Ten Most Dangerous Toys" list, just in time to crush the holiday dreams of millions of children.

Among the toys listed were some pretty bland "dangers" - nothing like the sharp, pointy, skin-tearing edges of my youth. For instance:

BABY SERENA - BABY I'M YOURS. According to W.A.T.C.H., "Baby Serena is sold 'complete with soft carrier, rattle and magic bottles' for toddlers as young as two years old. The manufacturer provides no warnings, however the baby bottles possess an unacceptable risk of choking for oral age children. The bottle caps and nipples are removable, revealing two plastic pieces, both of which could be swallowed. These plastic pieces, once removed, are not in compliance with the toy industry's inadequate 'choke tube' standard."
ANIMAL ALLEY - PONIES. Here, W.A.T.C.H. insists, "This soft, colorful pony is sold for infants. The toy has long, fiberlike hair which is not adequately rooted and is easily removable, presenting an ingestion or aspiration hazard. This hazard is not referenced anywhere on the product or product tags."
FISHER PRICE'S LITTLE MOMMY BATH BABY DOLL. Once more, W.A.T.C.H. hoots, "This toy is marketed for children as young as two years old, who are encouraged to participate in bathtime 'just like a real mommy!' The shampoo bottle, however, has a removable cap with attached slender tube of approximately 2 inches in length. The cap could be mouthed by oral age children, potentially leading to a choking tragedy."

Horrifying...

Among other items on the list are several projectile weapons - always a good bet when you're short on legitimate things to complain about - such as the Camouflage Water Bomb Fun Kit (balloons and a slingshot), Splatmatic Pistol Splat Paintball Shooter (a paintball gun), a Lord of the Rings Crossbow set (Er...), and the Revenge of the Sith Energy Beam Blaster (it shoots Silly String). Mind you, while I'm not thrilled about the idea of guns for kids to play with, I still don't see the point of getting all worked up about them. I mean, guns are designed to hurt things, aren't they?

Anyway, seeing this fascinating list got me thinking: Why are toys suddenly so life threatening? When my brother and I were kids, there were none of these "watchdog" groups looking out for us. (Or, if there were, nobody took them seriously.)

Heck, I had Tonka toys made out of metal! With sharp corners!

I had an Erector Set (admittedly, I'm still a little bitter about it not being the one with the big motor, but that's a different column) that was made of solid metal - again, with sharp edges!

Tinker Toys? We used to throw them at each other's heads! And if we got hit, we fell over laughing.

Today's kids are being turned into a bunch of victims. And the saddest part is, they don't have any say in it, and neither do their parents. Groups like W.A.T.C.H. tell their parents, "If you buy this toy, you are a bad person who hates their children," and just assume that these parents are low-IQ mongoloids without an ounce of common sense. (Sounds kinda like, "If you're not for the war, you must hate America" - but again, that's a different column.)

The bottom line is, most parents are smart enough to know when it's safe to allow a child to use one of these toys, when it's not, or whether or not they should even consider buying it. Having some LAWYER (yes, W.A.T.C.H. is headed by a trial lawyer) tell them how to raise their kids is just ridiculous.

Now that I'm all worked up, I'm going to go stick Lincoln Logs up my nose...

Also, for those of you who aren't my brother Vern, please wish him the best as he gets a bit of rest after his gallbladder surgery.

All the best,

Derek

(DCF)

P.S.: If you want to read the whole list of dangerous toys, go to http://www.toysafety.org/worstToyList_index.html

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SCOOTER INDICTED!

The Now Infamous Mugshot

Last Friday, Scooter, the well-known stagehand and "go-fer" at his uncle's theater where the Muppet Show was filmed during the mid-70's, was indicted on five felony counts by a grand jury, including two counts of obstruction, two counts of lying under oath, and one count of attempting to undermine a federal investigation. Under these charges, he could face up to 30 years in prison and $1.25 million in fines.

Over the last two years, an ongoing investigation has been trying to determine where a leak came from, outing covert CIA agent Miss Piggy shortly after her husband, Kermit the Frog, wrote an Op-Ed piece for the New York Times that criticized the current administration's reasons for going to war.

At a press conference last week, Special Prosecutor Sam the Eagle spoke to reporters about the indictment, going to great lengths to point out that it was not his job to determine whether the war against the "Spittin' Image" puppets was justified.

"I am here to see to it that justice is done," Sam the Eagle insisted. "And to show the world that we will not tolerate these weirdos. Someone leaked Miss Piggy's name to the press, and I have enough proof to justify bringing charges against Mr. Scooter."

Sam the Eagle: The Prosecutor

Sam the Eagle, who has worked for decades to improve to moral fabric of these United States, was chosen by the current administration specifically to investigate the leak. Some conservatives, however, such as Gonzo the Great and Rowlf the Dog, have made it clear that the Special Prosecutor may have overstepped his original mandate.

"He was told to look in to the leak itself," said one source, who asked not to be identified. "But, because he couldn't find anything proving the leak was an organized effort, he brought out this indictment to make it look like he had accomplished something over the past two years."

Others, including Miss Piggy's Husband, Kermit the Frog, have praised Sam the Eagle, saying that it was all but impossible to come up with any useful information concerning the leak because of Scooter's lies.

"My wife's life may have been put in danger," said Kermit at a press conference shortly after the indictment was read, "and Scooter, among others, lied about their connection to it. I look forward to the follow-up investigation."

The investigation is ongoing, and while the Special Prosecutor says that the remaining part consists mostly of "tying up loose ends," sources close to the investigation say that the focus has moved from Scooter to Fozzy Bear after it was revealed that this was where Scooter learned the identity of Piggy.

Scooter leaves the courthouse...

Some insiders insist that this case has implications that reach even further.

"This is big, really big," said Dr. Teeth, the leader of the house band during the Muppet Show's five seasons on the air. "If the bear is fingered, he's going to squeal like a pig, if you catch my drift. Names will be named. It's going to get ugly."

Scooter worked for the Muppet Show, where it is believed he learned of Piggy's covert status, for almost twenty years before he was let go after his uncle, who owned the theater, passed away. Some insiders insist that that this caused a serious rift between him and Piggy's husband, Kermit, which eventually lead to the leaking of classified information.

Seen leaving the courthouse after the indictment was read, Scooter appeared upbeat. "I'm going to go home and rest up," he told reporters. "I've got a busy day tomorrow."

Fozzy Bear has been decidedly quiet during these proceedings, but when confronted by reporters outside his home at Yellowstone National Park, Fozzy was quoted as saying, "I plan to have a nice weekend, and I hope you all do, too. Wakka wakka."