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Inside My Head Archive (July 2005 - )
I've Really Got To Get Out Of The House More...
I've been having a lot of fun with the "Build Your Own Character" game over at the South Park Studios website. Here's the rest of the folks that I've come up with so far...
First, the other guys in my band Damaged Goods:
(Left to right: Charlie, Bart and Joe)
Then there's my other band, Loaded:
(Left to right: Kim, John and Dave)
Finally, a few extra characters:
(Left to right: My brother Vern, Charlie's girlfriend Coop, and former Donkey Show drummer John)
And, finally, my roommate, the lovely and talented Noodles:
Ah, my life, the rich friggin' cornucopia that it is...
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
Lots of stuff I want to get caught up on...
It's been a while since I did my last legitimate update, having spent so much time pointing out the ongoing failures
of the current administration (there's another one below, if you're looking for those), so I figured now's as good a time
as any!
Let's start it out on a lighter note, shall we?
After poking around a bit online, I decided to check out the South Park Studios site, and I found a game there that lets you make a South Park character of your own. So, as any guy would, I decided to
create my own little South Park character of myself.
There was one problem, though. I couldn't settle on a look for it. So, I've decided to ask you, my readers,
which one works best.
The first one is one that looks like I do when I go to work. (The only thing I couldn't get in there was the ponytail
on the back of my head.) Here it is:
Now, I think it's a good look. However, I also managed to put one together that looks more like I do when I first
wake up (note the teddy bear pajamas):
And here's a variation on that, with my regular clothes on, after a long day at work:
Anyway, I want you folks to help me pick whichever one looks best. You can submit your vote by clicking this link and telling me your preference. By November 1st, I'll post the chosen favorite above in the title section.
*****
The next item I'll be yammering about is a blog entry from Bloggermann, Keith Olbermann, on MSNBC.com. (This is the bit about the administration that you should be looking
for, if you're looking for that sort of thing.)
In the article, Mr. Olbermann talks about the continuing string of coincidences concerning things that keep popping
up every time someone in the White House or Republican party gets in trouble. He noted thirteen different
times where someone has gotten into some kind of trouble and, a few days later, there is suddenly a terror alert
or "credible threat".
Mr. Olbermann makes it a point to mention that it could all be a coincidence:
We bring you these coincidences, reminding you, and ourselves here, that
perhaps the simplest piece of wisdom in the world is called “the logical fallacy.” Just because Event “A”
occurs, and then Event “B” occurs, that does not automatically mean that Event “A” caused
Event “B.”
But one set of comments from an informed observer seems particularly relevant
as we examine these coincidences.
On May 10th of this year, after his resignation, former Secretary
of Homeland Security Ridge looked back on the terror alert level changes, issued on his watch.
Mr. Ridge said: “More often than not we were the least inclined to
raise it. Sometimes we disagreed with the intelligence assessment. Sometimes we thought even if the intelligence was good,
you don’t necessarily put the country on (alert)… there were times when some people were really aggressive about
raising it, and we said ‘for that?’”
Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?
I e-mailed Mr. Olbermann and told him that I found it hard to believe that it was a concidence. The most telling
evidence will be if Karl Rove is indicted for leaking Valerie Plame's indentity to reporters. Expect to see something
big come up. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that Osama bin Laden had been captured if that happens. I also told
Mr. Olbermann that, should something like this happen, I expected a "You Were Right" e-mail from him...
*****
And finally, another little giggle.
I was talking with my friend and boss, Andrea, about a trip to a department store she went to that allowed her to make
her own perfume. She says she kind of overdid it, and, as a result, just about fried her sinuses. As a result,
she cannot have a whole bunch of perfume on.
And that gave me an idea... I wanna put out my own cologne... One that's meant to damage your nasal
passages...
Pretty cool, huh?
Anyway, that about wraps it up for now, although I will be back later in the week with my second annual "Early Christmas
Bitch-fest". Stay tuned!
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
It's that time of year again folks.
In less than a month, I will once again hunker down, fire up the computer, and spend the better part of a month staring
at a blank screen. I may even manage to type a few words.
National Novel Writing Month is upon us again.
Last year, you may recall, I started my novel and then, after about two weeks, just ditched the whole thing. I
hated the characters, the story was going nowhere, and I wanted to punch every single person who asked me how my novel was
coming along. I realized that I actually wanted nothing to do with anything involving that novel, but it was far too
late to start a new one and have it finished in time.
So I quit.
Here's the odd thing, though: Even though this contest is "self-inflicted" and I wasn't actually going to lose anything
out of it - I didn't have to pay an entry fee or anything like that - I felt immensely guilty because I didn't finish.
I slouched around for the last two weeks of last November, completely and utterly disgusted with myself.
After a while, I tried to rationalize with myself. "What's the big deal?" I asked myself. "You didn't owe
this to anyone. You were doing it for fun. No loss." But another voice in my head said, "You owed it to
yourself, and you let yourself down."
Who'da thunk that something so trivial would turn out to be more important to me than I thought?
Anyway, the whole point of this is, I'm going to join this year, and I'm going to finish, whether I hate the novel or
not. Maybe, if I do hate it, I'll just kill off everyone in the end. I imagine that would be pretty gratifying...
Anyway, stay tuned. And, if you feel you're up to the task, feel free to take part. Just go to www.nanowrimo.org and sign up!
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
A Newly Recycled "Strategery"!
Much in the same way that he failed to present any sort of reasonable plan when there was a shortage of flu vaccine
last winter, President Bush today announced, along with how he was going to tap the Federal Oil Reserves in order to help
alleviate any shortage of oil resulting in the aftermath of Huriicane Rita, that the best way to help was to consider not
taking trips that weren't completely necessary, and "if you don't need gas, don't get it."
This seems to be a recurring trend from this administration. I'm sure you remember when, shortly after the terrorist
attacks on 9/11/01, a few envelopes were found to have anthrax in them, causing a widespread panic about the possibility
of a biological attack against the United States. What was Washington's response? Tom Ridge, the guy in charge
of the Homeland Security department, came on TV and said, "Stock up on plastic sheets, duct tape and bottled water!"
How likely do you think we would have been to see the White House being wrapped in Saran Wrap by FBI agents while
Dubya stood in the Rose Garden and gave a speech about how everything was going fine, his voice slightly muffled by his contamination
suit? My guess is, pretty freakin' slim. More likely than not, he'd be whisked off to Colorado to go hide inside
a mountain while the rest of us died. Dick Cheney would probably end up losing out because nobody could find him before
Air Force One took off. (For an old guy, he's awful stealthy, isn't he?)
Next was the flu vaccine shortage. When asked about it during the debates last year, his response was priceless
(or, at the very least, valueless): "If you're not sick, don't get a shot."
Then came Hurricane Katrina. What was his response to that? He said...wait a minute...let me check.
I had it written down here a second ago.
Oh, here it is. He said nothing. He didn't even leave his ranch in Crawford, Texas. However, if he
had, I'm sure he would have said to the folks who couldn't (or wouldn't) leave New Orleans, "If you don't need
to drown, don't do it. It's as simple as that." Then he would do that smirk that I hate so much.
And now, we have Hurricane Rita, and Dubya hasn't let me down. I suspect that, if Iran continues its program
of enriching uranium - nevermind why; we've never worried about that sort of thing before - it will bring us around to the
good old days of the ever popular "Duck And Cover" cartoon.
As Noodles pointed out today while we were watching Bush's speech, "Wow... He's really proactive, isn't he?"
I couldn't agree more. It seems that this administration's plan pretty much consists of waiting until something happens,
and then offering ideas that seem to imply that it's all our fault ("We'd have enough of that flu vaccine if you people who
aren't sick would quit taking the shots from people who need them!") or making asinine suggestions ("Lay on your back and
put a paper bag over your head when the ozone layer finally disappears for good and you'll be fine!"). Or they just
flat-out deny that there is a problem. ("'Global warming'? What the heck are you talkin' about?")
It's gotten to a point where even his own party is starting to say, "Err..."
I just hope that the voters will remember all of this in 2008...
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
Just a quick update...
Okay, I haven't had a lot of time lately, but I thought I'd update my Guitars, Guitars, Guitars! page. There's a picture of the finished DCF OLP Project, as well as the first pic of my new Squire guitar.
Hopefully, I'll be able to do a bit more stuff here this weekend, so check back!
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
Okay... I've Got To Speak My Mind About This...
Those of you who have visited this site regularly may have noticed that I'm not the biggest fan of the Bush administration.
(Those of you who didn't should probably actually read what I write, rather than just skimming to see if I mentioned your
name.)
However, as much as I dislike Bush and his cronies, I feel I have to stand up for them on one particular charge that
has been lodged against them since the whole Hurricane Katrina mess. I realize that this might make me unpopular with
some of you, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.
And so.
I firmly believe that there was no coherent decision on anyone's part to take race into consideration
when the emergency response was being set into motion in New Orleans.
Now, before you start e-mailing me to let me know jsut how much of a racist dickweed I am, let me offer up a different
theory. After that, if you still feel the need to call me a racist, knock yourself out.
My alternative theory is this: The reason that the Federal, State and Local Governments, as well as the Department of
Homeland Security and the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) failed, believe it or not, was because of all-around
incompetence.
There you have it. It's out in the open. If Bush was a racist, do you think he would have even considered
having Colin Powell or Condoleeza Rice anywhere near his cabinet? Heck no!
No, the only thing that was responsible for the slow response was plain old incompetence. Bush & Co. (including FEMA,
the Homeland Security guys...everybody) have proven that we are no safer now than we were before 9/11, as well as
proving the idea that putting FEMA under control of Homeland Security was a huge mistake.
But at least it wasn't a race thing, right?
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
Now Here's A Funny Thing...
I was over at The Newshounds site (Motto: "We watch FOX, so you don't have to!") a few minutes ago, and I happened to run across this picture (which,
I want to assure you, has not been Photoshopped or altered in any way at all), taken by one of the Hounds:
I have to say... That "NEWSFLASH" headline pretty much says it all, doesn't it? It's about time
somebody got it right.
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
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| "Let them eat cake..." |
It Runs In The Family
It turns out that Dubya's intense stupidity and disconnect from the real world has come to him honestly, through the
genes of his folks - specifically, his mother.
According to The Independent Online, a UK newspaper, while touring the Astrodome, Barbara Bush made a point of insulting the people there. Here's
the quote, taken from the last paragraph of an article about Dubya's launch of an "inverstigation" he is leading into the
failed response of the government after Hurricane Katrina devastated a large part of the southern United States:
Barbara Bush, the former first lady, courted controversy by pointing out that many of the people forced out of their
homes by Hurricane Katrina "were underprivileged anyway". Mrs Bush, who joined her husband, George, on a tour of the Houston
Astrodome, said: "And so many of the people in the arena here were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very
well for them. What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone
is so overwhelmed by the hospitality." (Emphasis added by me.)
Nice one, Barbara. Way to show your compassion.
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
More Pissed-Off News Folks
There is an article By Jack Shafer of Slate.com showing that CNN's Jack Cafferty isn't the only one who is losing patience with the
half-assed response of the federal government - especially the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA).
Shafer's list of reporters who have dropped the gloves during interviews with government officials is an impressive one,
including Cafferty, a favorite of mine, as I mentioned before.
My personal favorite so far, though, starts out Shafer's article: The normally calm and staid Anderson Cooper delivered
a hearty verbal bitch-slap to Senator Mary Landrieu, D-La., in a live interview, pointing out thatm no, he hadn't heard that
Congress is going to an unprecedented session to pass a $10 billion supplemental bill tonight to keep FEMA and the Red Cross
up and operating, because "for the last four days, I've been seeing dead bodies in the streets here in Mississippi."
(The video can be seen here, or read the transcript here.)
Let's hope that now that the media is showing their teeth, they'll continue to use them on those who try to slather on
pointless platitudes for their political pals while honest people die in the streets.
Please give to the Red Cross. Blood, time, money... Whatever you can.
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
The Mayor Of New Orleans Speaks Out...
After spending the past five days waiting for something - anything - in the form of help from the federal government,
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin was finally fed up enough to say what was on his mind in an interview with local radio station
WWL-AM, even as President Bush told reporters that while there is not "enough security in New Orleans, yet," he is "satisfied"
with the federal government's response to the Katrina disaster. Nagin disagrees.
You Make The Call: Who really knows what's going on?
1. The Mayor of the City of New Orleans, Ray Nagin, who is down there, doing what little he can to help his people, many
of whom are sick and dying, and watching disorder reign over his city while he waits for help from the government;
or
2. The President of the United States, who flew over it a couple times - sometimes even as low as 1700 feet above the
scene! - and spent the past month hanging out in Crawford, Texas, ignoring people who want to talk to him about the war and
trying to figure out how to cut funds even further for the Army Corp of Engineers, who were doing what they could to reinforce
the canals that were supposed to keep New Orleans from flooding?
Guess which one I'm picking on this one.
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
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| ARRR! I'm cranky and old! |
Hurricane Katrina's Aftermath A Bit Too Much For CNN's Resident Cranky Old Guy
Earlier today, I was watching CNN's coverage of the aftermath in New Orleans of Hurricane Katrina, which has been going
on since long before the hurricane actually arrived.
As is typically the case, I was ignoring Wolf Blitzer's incessant rambling, but something caught my attention; Blitzer
turned the floor over to Jack Cafferty, CNN's answer to Andy Rooney's "grumpy old fart" persona on CBS's 60 Minutes
program.
Now, I've always liked Cafferty, simply because he has no qualms about saying exactly what's on his mind, no matter who
is listening. (As a result of this, he has been accused of being racist numerous times because of off-the-cuff comments
concerning folks of a particularly Arabic persuasion. For the record, I do not condone that sort of
thing, by the way. We're all pink on the inside. Everyone would probably get along better if we all remembered
that.)
Anyway, Blitzer turned the floor over to Cafferty, who took the opportunity to step up on his soapbox and start yelling.
Here's the transcript of his comments, taken directly from the CNN website:
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| Not a happy man. |
JACK CAFFERTY, CNN ANCHOR: Well, and the thing that's most glaring in all of this is that the conditions
continue to deteriorate for the people who are victims in this are and the efforts to do something about it don't seem to
be anywhere in sight.
I want to read you something, Wolf. This is a quote from an editorial: "A better leader would have flown straight
to the disaster zone and announced the immediate mobilization of every available resource. The cool, confident, intuitive
leadership Bush exhibited in his first term, particularly in the months following 9/11, has vanished." Now that's not from
some liberal rag. That is an editorial from one of the most conservative newspapers in the country, New Hampshire's "Union
Leader."
"The New York Times," not unexpectedly, kind of chimed in. They said the President showed up a day later than he
was needed, and they excoriated him for appearing casual to the point of carelessness. Harsh words coming from FEMA's former
Disaster Response Chief Eric Tolbert who says the government was not ready and shifted its attention from natural disasters
to fighting the war on terror.
The questions that we ask on THE SITUATION ROOM every afternoon, Wolf, are posted on the website two or three hours
before we go on the air. And people who read the website often begin to respond before the show actually starts. The questions
this hour is how would you rate the response of the federal government to Hurricane Katrina? I got to tell you something.
We got 5 or 600 letters, before the show even went on the air. No one, no one says the federal government is doing a good
job in handling one of the most atrocious and embarrassing and far reaching and calamitous things that has come along in this
country in my lifetime. I'm 62. I don't remember -- I remember the riots in Watts. I remember the earthquake in San Francisco.
I remember a lot of things.
I have never ever seen anything as badly bungled and poorly handled as this situation in New Orleans. Where the hell
is the water for these people? Why can't sandwiches be dropped to those people that are in that Superdome down there? I mean
what is going -- this is Thursday. This is Thursday. This storm happened five days ago. It's a disgrace. And don't think the
world isn't watching. This is the government the taxpayers are paying for, and it's fallen right flat on its face, as far
as I can see, in the way it's handled this thing.
We're going to talk about something else before the show is over, too, and that's the big elephant in the room. The
race and economic class of most of the victims, which the media hasn't discussed much at all, but we will a bit later -- Wolf.
As I said, I'm a big fan of Cafferty. I used to watch him when he was on CNN's American Morning,
and I absolutely loved it when he went off on some silly-assed thing that he heard about. And after hearing this, I
wanted to stand up and cheer as loud as I could, were it not for the fact that I was home alone, and that sort of thing makes
my neighbors nervous.
Anyway, with the "elephant in the room" comment that ended his tirade, I had to stick
around and see what he had to say about that. And now, for your pleasure, here's exactly that, with Blitzer's lead-in:
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| Andy Rooney is a pussy. |
BLITZER: All Right. Jamie McIntyre at the Pentagon, thank you very much.
Let's bring
in our Jack Cafferty. He's in New York.
Jack, you know, it's pretty startling -- because I remember when Hurricane
Katrina, last Thursday, exactly a week ago, when it hit south Florida, the Ft. Lauderdale area and Miami, we saw some of the
flooding -- it was then a Category 1. And there was some serious flooding in south Florida -- we don't want to belittle that,
by any means -- about 75 miles-an-hour.
But within minutes after leaving south Florida, on this program we heard Max
Mayfield and Ed Rappaport of the National Hurricane Center. This hurricane was going to pick up speed as it goes over the
warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico, and they immediately began pointing towards New Orleans -- this is on Friday and Saturday
-- saying, You know, it could make a direct hit on New Orleans. And it picked up, became a Category 5 with winds about 150
miles-an-hour, slowed down a little bit by the time it hit Monday morning, a Category 4 with winds of about 140 miles-an-hour.
But as you and I know, there have been articles in scientific publications and in newspapers for many years suggesting that
the levees, the systems, the flood walls in New Orleans were simply not capable of surviving anything more than a Category
3 hurricane.
So, to say that this should have been a huge surprise to a lot of individuals is to ignore a lot of scientific
literature that said exactly this: this is the worst case, that it could happen.
JACK CAFFERTY, CNN ANCHOR:
It could happen. And with a couple of days' notice, as you suggested, it was taking shape and drawing a bead on the city,
and we knew it was coming. And yet, the poorest and the neediest and the most helpless of those in New Orleans, well, they're
still there, aren't they? Despite the many angles of this tragedy -- and lord knows there've been a lot of them in New Orleans
-- there is a great big elephant in the living room that the media seems content to ignore.
That would be until now.
Slate.com's Jack Schafer wrote today in his column that television coverage has shied away from talking about race and class.
Schafer says that we in the media are ignoring the fact that almost all of the victims in New Orleans are black and poor.
And he's right. Almost every person we've seen, from the families stranded on their rooftops waiting to be rescued, to the
looters, to the people holed up in the Superdome, are black and poor.
Many of them didn't follow the evacuation orders
because they didn't have the means to get out of town. They just couldn't do it. A lot of them are sick, a lot of them don't
have cars, a lot of them just didn't have the means to leave "The Big Easy." And they're still there.
So here's the
question: What role have race and class played in the Gulf Coast crisis? You tell us. CaffertyFile -- one word -- CNN.com.
Wolf,
we got something like 7500 letters in the first hour of the program today. I thought we got a lot yesterday -- we got about
6000 letters over the course of the three hours yesterday. Seventy-five hundred e-mails poured in in the first hour.
One
of them suggested I could be tied up in IRS audits for years after the things I said about the federal government in the first
hour.
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| Hi! I'm Pee-Wee Herman! |
Ah, Jack... You're a great guy, man. If you ever find yourself up this way, I'd like to buy you a beer.
We need more journalists and reporters like him - people who aren't afraid to say what's on their minds, instead of brainless
mouthpieces who gladly drop to their knees and open wide, like that ass clown, Tucker Carleson and his pals over at Fox
News, including sexual deviant Bill O'Reilly.
*****
On a semi-related note, I've asked Bart, our bassist in Damaged Goods (who is also a sexual deviant), to call around
and see if anyone can put together a benefit for the folks who are so severely screwed down in Louisianna and Mississippi.
Randy, the manager at Legendz, is putting together a show with a few bands on the 25th to raise some money. We've volunteered
to take part. I'll post more information as I get it.
I'd also like to take a moment to ask you, the fine folks who tolerate my incoherent ramblings to do help by donating
to the American Red Cross. Even a couple bucks will help. Thanks.
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
FINALLY... The DCF OLP Project is DONE!
I finally got the damn thing finished! Go here to get the gory details...
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
Two Bands - No Waiting!
For those of you who have followed my musical career with varying stages of interest, ranging from none whatsoever to
a passing belief that I might have something to do with music in some way, I have a new update.
As I may have mentioned, I'm in a band called Loaded. Now, when I say that I'm in this band, I mean that
I am in fact a participating member, but the idea that it is a band is, at best, questionable. Let me explain.
Summer is, traditionally, the busiest time of the year for working bands around here, what with the whole Blue Water
Festival, the Port Huron-To-Mackinac Race (and the two-day party called "Boat Night" that precedes it), and various parties.
However, for the past three months or so, I have sat home on the weekends, wondering exactly why it is that I continue to
stick with a band that isn't actually doing anything. Needless to say, I was frustrated.
I contacted Charlie and Bart, formerly of Donkey Show, a band that I played with for about two months before
quitting in frustration. (I'm seeing a pattern here.) John, a mutual friend and Donkey Show's drummer, had
moved to California, and I wanted to see if they were interested in getting something together.
(Part of the reason I had quit Donkey Show was because of John's unwillingness to be flexible with the music we were
playing. He only wanted to play hardcore rock music, and I was hoping to play something that would be accepted a bit
more willingly by local bars. John wouldn't bend, so I quit the band.)
Charlie and Bart were up for it. Bart contacted Joe, the drummer from his other band, Instant Gypsies, and asked
if he'd like to play with us. Joe agreed.
We got together, played for four hours, and decided that this was going to be fun. We put together a good mix of
songs, ranging from mellow Tom Petty tunes to harder tunes by bands like Prong (their big hit is a song called "Snap Your
Fingers, Snap Your Neck").
A week later, we were asked to play at a pig roast/fundraiser in Avoca, Michigan. We agreed, and although we were
only supposed to play for an hour, we ended up playing for two and a half hours.
Before we went up to play, someone asked us what our band was called. We didn't know what tot ell them. We
had been too worried about putting together our set list, so we hadn't even considered a name. Going into a huddle,
we tossed out ideas, including one from Charlie that combined the names of all the bands we were a part: "Instant Donkey Load".
This got a good laugh, but was determined to be too, er, obscene. (Hey, there were kids at this pig roast. Cut
me some slack.)
Finally, I suggested a name:
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| Damaged Goods: Why Expect Less? |
Damaged Goods was born.
We've since played a few more times, and are booked this next weekend here in town. The weekend after, I have another
gig with them, and the weekend after that, I'm playing with Loaded again. (I also played last weekend with Loaded, where
we ended up down in the deal because some drunk dickweed knocked over one of our PA speakers, breaking it, the stand it was
on, and a box full of lights.) So I've been a bit busy lately with the music.
I couldn't be happier.
You see, While most of the guys in Loaded (Kim, John and Dave - Mark quit) see music as a "hobby", I see it as a major
part of my life. Along with my family and my friends, music is what helps me be me. It's my therapy, my stabilizer,
my main creative outlet. And playing once a month (or less) with Loaded was just about killing me. Thanks to Charlie,
Bart and Joe, who feel the same way about music as I do, I'm now playing just about every weekend. As a result, I
feel a bit more "normal" than I have over the past few months.
So I've decided to hold on to both bands. Between the two of them, I'll be working pretty steadily. Plus,
because of the differences in their respective set lists, I'll be playing a pretty wide range of music, which I certainly
enjoy.
Anyway, I just thought I'd let you all in on why I haven't been around much to update the page. I've got two jobs
and two bands, and I spend time with my kids occasionally, so my time is currently pretty limited.
Not that I'm complaining...
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
D'oh! More changes!
Okay... So I had to take down a few things because they were taking up a lot of space... The Birthday Bash
photos are gone, and so it the caption gallery. (You didn't really look at that anyway, did you?)
Oh, and I moved "Ask The Doc" to its own little space on the web. You can get there by clicking here.
Anyway, stay tuned. I'm sure I'll think of other stuff to ruin or remove...
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
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| I'm Karl Rove, and I'm a giant baby-man! |
Adventures of a Giant Baby-Man
Two years ago, Valerie Plame was outed as a CIA operative in Time magazine by reporter Matt Cooper.
Her husband, Ambassador Joe Wilson, was the person sent to Niger to see if Saddam Hussein had tried to purchase "yellow cake"
uranium. When he discovered that this was not in fact the case, he reported back to his bosses, and the matter was thought
to have been dropped. (Or at least Bush the Lesser and his cronies had hoped so.)
Shortly afterward, Cooper, while working on an article about the whole thing, spoke to Karl Rove, sometimes referred
to as "Bush's Brain", and was told that Wilson's wife was the one in charge of WMD investigations, and she had been the one
to suggest Wilson for the trip to Africa. Cooper spoke to Vice President Cheney's chief of staff, Lewis Libby, to get
confirmation about this, and was told that it was true.
Funny thing about that. It turns out that, as a CIA operative, Plame's identity was supposed to be kept confidential,
meaning nobody outside of the CIA and the White House should know about it.
Here's another funny thing: It turns out that identifying an active CIA operative is - you're going to giggle about this
- grounds for a charge of treason.
And here's the funniest bit of all: An anonymous source told the L.A. Times that at the time, Rove was asked why the
White House was trying so hard to trash Wilson after the uranium story was revealed to be fake, Rove replied, "Because
he's a Democrat."
You're just rolling on the floor now, aren't you?
|
| Screw you! I'm a giant baby-man! |
At the time the leak was discovered, nobody claimed to know anything, and Cooper wasn't telling anybody anything, citing
the fact that reporters usually don't disclose their sources.
President Bush's press secretary, Scott McClellan, when asked about the investigation, stated very clearly two
years ago, "If anyone in this administration was involved in it, they would no longer be in this
administration." (My emphasis.)
Of course, this was before he realized that he could lose his brain.
A few days ago, Bush reworded his stance: "I don't know all the facts. I want to know all the facts. Best place for the
facts to be done is by somebody who's spending time investigating it. I would like this to end as quickly as possible, so
we know the facts, and if someone committed a crime, they will no longer work in my administration."
(My emphasis.)
The difference here is small, but it is a big deal. See, the defense that Georgie and his pals are working on
is, because Rove didn't mention Plame by name - he just told Cooper, "Wilson's wife is working on WMDs" - he didn't break
the law. He just dropped a hint (albeit, a HUGE hint) and let Cooper figure it out for himself. Unfortunately,
even Rove's lawyer says that this is a useless defense.
As is normally the case, expect to see someone thrown to the dogs - more than likely it will be Libby - to throw them
off of Rove's trail. (Remember Richard Clark and the 9/11 Commission?)
Several senators, including John Kerry and Hillary Clinton are asking people to sign an open letter to President Bush,
demanding that he fire Rove. It can be read here:
The radio netword, Air America, has also set up a petition. It can be viewed here:
Don't allow people like Rove to put people at risk without facing the consequences of their actions. What he has
done is a treasonous offense, and he should be held responsible for his actions. He should be fired, and he should be
brought up on charges.
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
Eat Me!
Well, I got a reply back from Mark Nuckols, the creator of Hufu. I sent him several questions and here is the full
text of his reply, typos and all (my questions are in bold print):
Subject: Questions about Hufu and the website
Message:
Hi. My name is Derek Springer, and I've been following the story of your product since my friend, Bobbie Laughman,
contacted you, and I was wondering if you could offer up a bit of your own side of the story for an article I'm working on
for my own webpage.
You see, as I'm sure you are well aware, a lot of people are concerned that, once someone tries your product,
they will want to try the real thing. You've stated that you're not encouraging people to eat other people. You're just encouraging
them to "think about it." But, to quote Bobbie, "thinking about doing something that you would have not considered doing previously
is the first step towards accepting it as Not Such a Bad Idea."
How would you respond to this?
Now, myself, I have a sense of humor, and it's clear to me that you do, as well. (The link to a DVD of "Soylent
Green" was a dead giveaway, and a nice touch.) And I can appreciate the urges people have to experiment with new and unusual
things. And although the idea of eating human flesh (or even a tofu-based substitute) doesn't really appeal to me, I can fully
get behind the spirit of your product. Find a niche and fill it.
But it's clear that a lot of people don't find this either amusing or moral. Has the negativity generated by
these people hurt potential business? If so, how badly?
oh some people are outraged by hufu, but that's part of what makes hufu fun.
I also read that there was a tasting party given so people could try the product themselves. How did that turn
out? Was the general feeling positive or negative?
the taste test went very well, but a few people said they felt slightly ill. we had PNG hufu dumplings and azetc human
stew.
A few other minor questions:
1. Have you been contacted by anyone about distribution on a larger basis? If so, are there plans for expanding?
had a few inquiries but we are planning to stick to selling online
2. Has the possibility of marketing to specific groups come up? I imagine the Goth crowd would probably find
it to their liking. (At the very least, they'd pretend it was.)
we just let people find us and if they're interested they will buy
3. What other sort of products are you considering?
we have a new product laucnh in september but it's under wraps
4. Can I quote you in my article?
sure
You know, the more I read about this guy, the less I'm believing him. He wasn't exactly forthcoming with new information.
And the answers he does give are not exactly packed with useful tidbits.
Another thing that makes me suspect him is that every time I go to his website, the one and only product they appear to have is always "backordered". I find it hard to believe that something this
questionable would be selling so well. I mean, I can account for a little curiosity from the occasional morbid individual,
but I sincerely doubt that would be enough people to make this stuff popular.
So what's the deal? Personally, I think it's all a load of bull. But that's just me. And if anyone
out there reading this has actually tried it - and isn't affiliated with Mr. Nuckols' "company", please contact me.
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
More Family Pics!
As promised, I finally got hold of the pictures from Joshua's party that Ross and his wife took. (They've got a
much better camera than I have.) Here they are:
|
| The two most beautiful girls I know... |
|
| Caleb play shy while I yammer on and on... |
|
| Evil incarnate... And Ross, too! |
|
| The Birthday Boy surveys his golf cake... |
|
| "I'm afraid your brake job will cost twice as much..." Vern tests Josh's preset. |
|
| Amanda and one of the twins. No idea which one, though. They need to label them better... |
|
| Amanda forces a smile as Vern pretends he's a ferret... |
|
| A somewhat less blurry picture of the whole crew |
Now, as many of you may note, there are no pictures of the Other Twin, Jackie, Tosha, my sister-in-law Sherrie, Ross'
wife Lisa, and my son Nigel. There are actually good reasons for these missing photos: They don't exist.
Why? Well, Lisa spent most of her time with her camera stuck to her face, so nobody got any shots of her.
The Other Twin was very rarely seen. Jackie spent most of her time in the basement. Tosha refused to have her
picture taken.
Nigel spent the entire time in the pool, and I already got one picture of him in there, so I figured that would be enough.
(See previous article for that one.)
Anyway, that's it. Hope you enjoyed the show.
By the way, I lied about the picture of Tosha.
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
You Always Eat The Ones You Love
Some of you may recall me mentioning a website that my friend Bobbie Laughman told me about. It's called www.eathufu.com, and the owner of the site, Dartmouth business student Mark Nuckols, is marketing a "tofu-based human flesh alternative".
Go ahead and reread that. I'll wait.
That's right. A sort of "cannibal light", for the cannibal that's trying to quit. Of course, he's not just
marketing to cannibals. When you put something up on the 'net, you're selling to anyone, including people who might
not share your enthusiasm (or tastes - no pun intended).
Anyway, Bobbie wrote an article about it on her blog, Bobbie's Brain Dump, and a reporter from Valley News in Vermont contacted her about quoting her in the article. (The article can be read
here.)
Bobbie, of course, is pleased she got the mention, but is also concerned that she sounds like a "wacko" because
of her comments. She doesn't sound crazy to me. What she says makes sense. What if someone
says to themselves, "Okay... I've tasted the fake stuff... I wonder what the real stuff tastes like," and then
tries to find out?
"Basically, my main concern has to do with exactly what Mr. Nuckols says in the article," Bobbie told me. "He claims
that they're not 'encouraging' people to eat people, just promoting 'thinking about' eating people.
"But folks don't just wake up one day and start eating their neighbors," she added. "They think about it first. Thinking
about doing something that you would have not considered doing previously is the first step towards accepting it as Not Such
a Bad Idea."
This is a valid concern, especially knowing that people everywhere have done worse with less reasoning.
"Of course, not everyone will take the followup steps of actually going out and doing it," Bobbie said. "But
I'm concerned that some will go over the edge and want to do their own Hufu Challenge. Is it real, or is it Hufu?"
As a follow-up, I've e-mailed Mr. Nuckols and asked for his side of the story. I'll be posting any reply I get
from him.
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
Just A Short Update and Some Harrassment For Vern...
Go ahead and give it a look. I won't give too much away, other than to say that if she gets caught in the bubbles,
click on her foot and drag her to another spot.
Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it? Go on... Check it out. It's really creepy.
*****
And now, the harrassment of Vern.
I sent an e-mail last Tuesday to my brother, trying to get him to send me the pictures that his business partner's wife
took at my nephew's birthday - in particular, I want to get a copy of Vern in the Darth Vader helmet, and a better copy
of the picture of us with our kids - and I have yet to hear back from anyone about them. Needless to say, I'm a
bit bummed.
And so, let me just say: Vern?!? Where the heck are the pictures?!? You and Ross both told me that
you'd send 'em to me! C'mon, man! Get 'em to me!
There. I feel better.
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
|
| Joshua, the lobster-boy! |
Party Time, Springer-Style!
This past weekend was my nephew Josh's 7th birthday. So, like any clearly insane parents, my brother and his wife
threw a great big ol' party for him and invited just about every child in the northern hemisphere.
Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a tiny bit. But, good lord and butter, there where a lot of kids there!
Among them were my own brood: Amanda, Vaughn, Nigel, and even the ever-elusive Caleb! (Don't ask me how it happened.
I don't know. All I can say is I was absolutely thrilled to have him with us, especially since he's usually such an
anti-social little booger anymore... Teenagers... What can ya do?)
|
| Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? DADDY! Lookitme, lookitmeeee! |
Anyway, when we arrived (after waiting almost half an hour for a freakin' train to get out of the way - another reason
why I will never again live anywhere near Detroit) the pool was filled almost completely with kids. I recognized a few
of them, but the others were a complete mystery to me. No idea who the others were.
My kids, after seeing the pool, immediately rushed inside to change into their swimsuits while I did the rounds,
saying hello to various uncles and aunts, cousins, and assorted hangers-on, like Vern's business partner Ross and his wife,
Lisa. (I'm vaguely aware that at least one of the kids - possibly two of them - were there with them.) The only
exception was Amanda, who made a beeline for Aunt Kathy.
|
| "Just smile and maybe he'll go away..." |
Amanda and Aunt Kathy have had a very close relationship since Amanda was born. I think the only person she was
closer with was my mother, who would go pick her up every once in a while, on the spur of the moment, to "do lunch".
So. Here's the scene: The backyard of a good-sized house somewhere in Canton, Michigan. There is a deck on
the back of the house, and it holds a hot tub, a very large grill (Vern and Sherrie have five kids - anything that makes food
has to be big) with my sister-in-law hunched over it as she grills enough beef to build her very own cow, and a table with
an umbrella. There are six or seven chairs surrounding the table, and they are filled with various relatives and/or
friends.
Out in the yard proper, there is a swing - one of the grown-up people kind - where Amanda and Aunt Kathy are sitting,
and another three or four folding chairs, all filled with more relatives.
The pool, as I said, is teeming with kids. Lots and lots of kids. Occassionally, a voice is heard over the
ongoing wall of sound coming from that direction: "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! DADDY! LOOKITME! LOOKITME!
LOOKITMEEEEEE!"
The appropriate parent, recognizing their child's voice, will turn and look at their child, who is standing on the ladder
and waving, and shout, "Yeah! Good!" before turning back and rejoining the conversation around the table.
|
| "Did you see it, daddy? Did you see it?" |
Moments later, the same voice starts shouting, "Daddy? Daddy? DADDY? DIDJA SEE WHAT I DID?!?
DADDY?!? Now watch this!"
Over the course of the five-ish hours I was there, I got up and watched my kids perform tricks no less than 700,000 times.
Eventually, everyone went inside so the birthday boy could blow out candles and open his gifts. All of the adults
came in. About half of the kids did, too. The others were too engrossed in the pool.
Not to toot my own horn or anything like that, but I think that I got Josh the coolest gift in the whole entire world.
It was a Darth Vader helmet with voice-changer. (The purpose, of course, was to see how cool it actually was, so I could
decide whether to get one for myself.) It was a huge hit with everyone there. In fact, I think the adults
had more fun with it than the kids did. Lisa got pictures of my cousin Kim and my brother wearing it. Hopefully,
I'll be able to get a copy and post it here soon.
Finally, at about 8:00, I decided it was time to hit the road because I had to get up early the next morning, and it
was an hour-and-a-half drive home. But first, I made all the kids get together with Vern, Sherrie and myself, for a
picture:
Back Row (Left to Right): Me, Tosha, Amanda, Alecia, Ashley, Sherrie, Vern
Front Row (Left to Right): Caleb, Nigel, Vaughn, Josh, Jackie
We said our goodbyes and headed out, getting home a little while later.
What's the point of this story? Nothing, really, other than a chance to show off my family and Vern's family.
What more reason do I need?
And I can't say enough about how great it was to hang out with all the kids together - something that hasn't
happened in a long time, and I don't want to have to wait long to have it happen again.
I love my kids. Can you tell?
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
The "Lottery People" Must DIE!
|
| Ya got any of them SCRATCH-OFFS?!? |
Earlier today, I had a few errands to run. One of them was to stop at the Super Kmart - now with 75% more white
trash! - and pick up a few things, including a new portable CD player for my car. (I'm just too cheap to install a real
stereo in it.)
Anyway, laden with my purchases, I proceded to the checkout, where I was attended to by a very nervous-looking woman
who chatted about anything that seemed to cross her mind, although she seemed rather fixated on the weather. When she
asked me if it was hot out, I said that it was nice, but not too hot. This seemed to annoy her, and she felt compelled
to keep me there until I was willing to admit that it was hotter than the surface of the sun.
After a solid five minutes of mindless banter (while about five other people with armloads of stuff waited behind me
- this was the "express lane"... Oh! The irony!), she finally gave in and handed over my purchases. Before
I walked away, I asked if she had a pair of scissors so I could cut open the CD player's armor-plated packaging. She
told me that she didn't have any (I assume this is because they're worried she might kill someone who disagreed with her about
the weather, and I'm eternally thankful to the Kmart Corporation for that), but I could try the customer service desk.
I thanked her and went on my way.
Stopping at the customer service area - it's sort of like a cubbyhole/closet kind of thing - I saw there was only one
person in line, so I figured "Hey! I can wait a minute or two while the woman behind the counter helps this elderly
woman! I'll be in and out in no time!" (Or something to that effect.)
Then I heard something that made my blood run cold. The elderly lady asked, "What kinda scratch-offs ya got?"
The woman behind the counter theatrically gestured to the enormous display of instant lottery tickets that were in plain
view.
The old woman squinted at them for a while, then reached into her pocket, pulled out a piece of paper, and scrutinized
that, occasionally looking back at the tickets again.
"Gimme a few of them two-dollar 'Bingo' scratch-offs," the old lady grunted.
"How many?" the woman asked her.
"Five of 'em."
The woman turned around and looked at the twenty different types of lottery tickets, and then turned back.
"There's two kinds," she said. "Which ones would you like?"
The old lady squinted at the tickets, as if they had come out in two different colors to spite her. Then she consulted
her paper again. "Gimme the ones that got the blue thing under 'em when ya scratch 'em off."
|
| Odds of winning: You're kidding right? |
The woman said, "Ma'am, I don't play the lottery. I don't know which one that is."
The old lady looked at her like she was out of her mind. "Ya don't play 'em? Well... Gimme five of
the red ones. He likes the red ones."
"He"? I thought to myself. Who the hell is "he"? Why is it that old people always
refer to mysteriously absent parties and always expect us to know who they're talking about?
The woman tore off five of the red "Bingo" tickets and handed them to the woman. "That'll be ten dollars," she
said.
The old bat looked at her piece of paper again, then back at the tickets. "Gimme some o' them 'Wild Card' ones,"
she said. "He likes them, too."
At this point, the woman behind the counter gave me a look that said "Kill me now... PLEASE!" and turned to the
stacks, only to find that there were, in fact, five different types of "Wild Card" tickets. "Which ones, ma'am?"
she asked.
Again, another long pause. If I had to guess, I'd say it was about five hours.
"Two of the blue ones, one of the green ones, and two of the yellow ones," the old shrew screeched.
The woman tore them off and handed them over. "That'll be twenty-"
"He wants some of them (mumble mumble) ones, too," said the old hag, eyeing the paper again.
"I'm sorry?" the woman asked.
"I...SAID," the walking dead honked, "HE...WANTS...SOME...OF...THEM...'SUPER...CASH'...ONES!!!"
"HOW...MANY?" the woman behind the counter...er...countered.
"FIVE!" the old goat bleated.
The woman behind the counter, trying desperately not to tie a plastic bag over this hideous zombie's frazzled melon,
tore off five of the "Super Cash" tickets and handed them over.
There was another long pause.
"WELL?!?" the withered apple-head woman bellowed.
"'Well' what, ma'am?" the woman behind the counter asked.
"How much is it?" shrieked the upright-walking komodo dragon. "Ya slow or somethin'?"
"I was waiting for you to pick some more, ma'am," the woman said through gritted teeth.
"More?" the leathery apparition of death growled. "Ain't I spent enough already? What is with you people?"
"That'll be twenty-five dollars, ma'am," the woman said.
By now, I was leaning against the wall, almost asleep. I opened my eyes briefly, only to see the old baggage digging
through her purse for some money. Out came a handful of crumpled Kleenex, some string, two knitting needles, five packs
of Lucky Strike non-filtered cigarettes, a book ("Chicken Soup For The Soul" - I assume she hadn't finished it yet), car keys,
make-up (unused, from the look of it), a small baggy full of birdseed, and a hammer.
No cash, though.
She finally dug into the front pocket of her shorts and produced a handful of mangled dollar bills and counted out twenty-five
of them veeeerrrrrryyyyy ssssslllllooooooooowwwwwwwlllllyyyyyyyyy... and then shoved the whole mess across the counter, dislodging
some of the Kleenex from the initial wad.
I glanced at my watch. Fifteen minutes had gone by so far.
The poor woman behind the counter picked her way through the mess of dollars, taking great care to flatten them and arrange
them correctly (some stores are very picky about how bills are placed in the cash drawer), and rang up the purchase.
She handed the receipt over to the crazy old woman and turned to look at me.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute," said the horrible, leathery monster. "Gimme five o' them..."
I loudly said "Screw this!" and left the store. I eventually opened the package with the edge of my car key.
|
| The bane of my existence... |
Now, normally, I'm a pretty patient guy when it comes to waiting behind old people while standing in line. I know
that I will someday be one of them (Gawd willing), and I'd like to think that by keeping calm, I'll receive the same courtesy
from the younger people standing behind me when I'm 4000 years old.
However, I have no patience for the Lottery People.
They are rude, and they have no grasp on the things going around them (like, say, an angry mob forming and getting ready
to lynch them if they don't just shut the hell up and pay for their damn tickets).
It's time for them to die.
Now, I'm not talking about the casual ticket buyer - someone who will put down a dollar or two, or even five, to get
a lottery ticket while they're paying for their gas or groceries. If that's how they want to waste their money, more
power to them. I have no problem with them. They're the ones who apologize to the people behind them for making
them wait so long (on average, about two minutes) while they decided which ticket they want.
No, I'm talking about the obnoxious asses who come in with a wad of cash and hold up the whole line so they can get the
two or three dozen "lucky" tickets that they are certain will put them on the road to luxury. (A road, I am certain,
which they will drive down at twenty-five miles per hour in the fast lane, their right-hand blinker flashing on and off constantly.)
Even worse are the ones who buy the non-instant lottery tickets - you know the ones I'm talking about; you have to fill
out a form and give it to the person behind the counter to feed into the machine, which prints out your ticket for you.
More than once, I have stood in line behind someone (usually a very elderly person) while they just recited their "lucky"
numbers to the person behind the counter. When the counterperson explains that they need to fill out a form, the elderly
person will stand there, blocking the counter so nobody else can get up there, and insist that they don't have to fill out
a stupid form because they already know thier numbers, until the clerk will surrender to their leathery-ness and punch the
numbers they recite, just to get them out of the store.
They need to go, too.
Let me close by saying that, should I ever turn into one of those people, and you are standing behind me as I stare
vacantly at the tickets available, waiting for some sign that will tell me which one is the "good" ticket, I would be ever
so greatful if you would just grab a plastic bag and tie it tightly over my head.
Thank you.
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
My sister-in-law, Sherrie, sent me this little cartoon as an example of how to tell if your computer is angry with you.
Keep an eye out for it.
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
How My Evil Brother Thwarted My Neice's Attempt To Participate In Democracy
Okay, since Vern is probably the biggest fan of this website - and don't think for a minute that I don't appreciate it
- I've decided to dedicate another piece to him and his family.
This particular item concerns the circumstances under which my brother, Vern, actually managed to talk his stepdaughter
out of voting for the candidate of her choice during the last presidential election.
Admittedly, this really wouldn't have made much difference as to the turnout unless she had suddenly decided to move
to Ohio immediately before the election, but it does stand as a valuable lesson in why nobody should ever listen to anything
Vern has to say. Ever.
Anyway, as the election was closing in, Vern decided to ask Tosha, his oldest stepdaughter, who she planned on voting
for. (This was Tosha's first crack at it, having just recently reached the voting age.) Tosha said she planned
on voting for John Kerry. When Vern asked her why, she gave (according to him) a vague reply along the lines of "because
he's for women."
Vern, a card-carrying Republican (hey, we all have faults), was a little shocked by this comment, especially considering
the fact that the only time females came up in any of the debates or, for that matter, the campaigns of either party,
was when Theresa Heinz-Kerry told a reporter to shove it, and when John Edwards pulled a cheap shot on Dick Cheney by mentioning
Cheney's lesbian daughter during the vice-presidential debate. I have to admit that I, too, (a card-carrying Democrat)
was a little surprized by this for the exact same reason.
Vern asked Tosha why she thought Kerry was "for women." Tosha's response was that, well, he just seemed
like he was more in favor of women.
Uh-huh.
Once again, let me point out that I am, in fact, a Democrat, and I did, in fact, vote for Kerry. My reasoning was
this: In the preceding four years, when we had allowed squatters in the White House, more damage was done than good.
Although I sincerely doubted that John Kerry was going to cause a magical turnaround that would put this country back on the
trail to being the greatest country in the world, I also didn't think that he would continue the slash-and-burn policies that
the Bush administration was carrying out at the time, and continues to carry out to this day. Simply put, I figured
that John Kerry was the lesser of two evils.
My brother, on the other hand, didn't like John Kerry because, and I quote, "he's a traitor and a communist sumbitch!"
He preferred to have a man who was almost incapacitated by a pretzel and has no grasp of the English language. He wanted
the second-in-command to be a guy who could be taken down with a microwave oven.
Both of us had our reasons, right or wrong. We studied each candidate, made decisions based on the information
we found, and chose the guy that we felt best suited our needs. Although I don't agree with Vern, I respect his choice,
pretzel and microwave jokes aside.
Tosha, on the other hand, must have been getting some sort of newsletter to which Vern and I had not subscribed.
Undaunted by this fascinating idea of Tosha's, Vern suggested that, unless she knew what she was talking about, she shouldn't
vote.
Let me make this clear: Vern, being the kind of guy who likes to make the occasional joke at other people's expense (and
who doesn't, really?), told his stepdaughter - my neice - in a manner which suggested, I am certain, that he was not being
entirely serious, not to vote until she found out why she really wanted to vote for someone. He did not say "You can't
vote for that commie sumbitch!" He did not say "You can only vote for a Republican." He merely suggested, in a
humorous fashion, that she needed to become a little more informed before making a decision to vote for either candidate,
rather than just doing it because she really felt that this one or the other was more for something or other.
I totally get where he's coming from.
What he didn't realize, however, was that Tosha, always willing to learn a bit more, did exactly what he said, rather
than what he implied. She just didn't vote.
Naturally, when Vern found out, he was horrified. He really wanted her to vote, but he wanted her to be informed
about who it was she was voting for, and against.
He has since turned the entire thing into a terribly amusing story - a story, I'm sure, that my neice is none too pleased
to hear repeated every time someone comes to the house, but that's the risk you run when you listen to Vern.
So, with this in mind, I strongly suggest that anyone reading this - Ross? Tim? Are you listening? - completely
avoid taking any advice from my brother. If, by some accident, he happens to slip some by while you're not paying attention,
I would strongly suggest you disregard it. And you should probably burn all of your clothes, too.
Or was that in case of exposure to radiation?
Anyway, we all know how it turned out; George "Dubya" Bush won his first presidential election. He didn't win Michigan,
and I'm proud to point out that I'm part of the reason for that. John Kerry went back to the Senate, where he currently
spends his busy workdays looking like a bored bassett hound.
Big Dick Cheney has announced that he will run for president in the next election (assuming he stays alive that long),
but refuses to say whether or not he will take up residence in the White House. (He hasn't been there very often in
the past five years, and sees no reason to put himself in jeopardy by going there any more than he has to.)
Howard Dean - the microphone-eater, as my friend Bobbie likes to point out - is now the chairman of the Democratic
National Committee, where he is going out of his way to piss off as many Republicans as he can, and he seems to be doing a
pretty good job.
John Edwards is nowhere to be found, although on quiet nights in Virginia, you can hear a mournful voice singing Billy
Ray Cyrus' hit "It Shoulda Been Me". It could be Edwards, but nobody's saying.
Al Gore continues to insist that he did, in fact, invent the Internet. Oddly enough, I know a gentleman named Andre
Doles who says that, although Gore didn't single-handedly invent the Internet, he did have a hand in it, and Andre's got the
memos to prove it.
Hillary Clinton is currently the leading Democratic candidate, although she hasn't announced that she intends to run.
Sources close to Clinton say she's not saying a word about it until she can find a nice kennel to put Bill in if she wins.
Poppy Bush has suggested that his other son, Jeb, should run for president in the next election, but it appears the plans
are on hold until Jeb can find someone to fix the Florida voter registry in his favor because, in his words, "I can't do everything
myself..."
All the best,
Derek
(DCF)
*****
|
